So Close...

So Close...

It has been almost 3 years since we started trying to make Blaine a big brother...along this road there have been many heartaches.  We had a miscarriage shortly after Blaine turned 1, followed by a ruptured ectopic when Blaine was 2.  We then started fertility medicine shortly after he turned 3, only leading to months of disappointment.  Last summer I was so excited to find out I was pregnant only to miscarry within days of finding out.  In January we began to pursue more intensive help because we had spent a year taking Clomid.  We met our new doctor and felt confident we had a plan in place that would be successful, he was confident and for the first time in a long time so was I!

We went through more extensive testing, only to receive the same answers, it was unexplained secondary infertility.  Our doctor was confident we would have no problems getting pregnant through IUI.  So, we began the emotional roller coaster of injections, pills, ultrasounds and blood work to make this happen!!

We completed the first IUI cycle on March 30th...then of course the dreaded 2 week wait, which feels like a lifetime to anyone who has experienced this before.  They tell you not to test, to be patient...well, of course we tested the day before I was due to go in for bloodwork and we were PREGNANT!!  It was an amazing and emotional time to say the least.  The next day our hopes were confirmed with positive bloodwork and good numbers!  Over the next week, my numbers continued to rise and 3 week later we went for our first ultrasound.

We told Blaine he was going to be a big brother, something he has been asking about for a little while.  He was so excited, all he wanted was a little sister!  Our due date December 22...our amazing little Christmas miracle.

The first ultrasound went amazing, everything looked good and we continued with the pregnancy.  My fatigue and morning sickness was worse than it ever was with Blaine.  Of course, many people told me the old tale, the sicker you are the healthier the pregnancy...so, of course I let myself be excited for the first time!

At our next appointment, we were getting to hear the heartbeat...So exciting!  Only as soon as I saw the ultrasound, I knew something was wrong.  We were measuring over a week behind calculations.  The tech told me not to concentrate on the size and given all the information we had with Blaine always measuring small, I felt relief until we saw the heartbeat.  The heart rate was not measuring where it should.  My heart left in that moment and I knew this was not going to end well.

After talking with the doctor, we were given a 50-50 chance that we would be able to continue with this pregnancy.  She said that she did not want us to give up, but she did not want us to have false hope.  Things did not look go and the measurements were not what she was expecting!  I was crushed...I had finally allowed myself to feel excited this was finally happening, only to know it was ending.  Tony, ever the optimist only heard we still had a success rate of 50%, I wish I could have believed that as well!

We were told to come back in 1 week, it would give the baby time to show us what we were dealing with.  Through the course of that time, Tony never once believed we would hear anything less than positive news...I wanted that faith, but I believe my heart was preparing for the worst.

Today was 1 week, I'll admit, waiting in the Dr.'s office I started to believe we were going to see a strong heartbeat and growth.  We did not, the baby did not grow and the heart rate decreased!  Last week, I was overcome with emotion, today I sat numb...in disbelief that something we prayed about for so long was again ending in sadness.  The hardest part was we have heard the heartbeat and seen the baby...all of that isn't just going to go away.

There was no positive news today, only being told once again that this would not be a successful pregnancy.  We are stopping any medicine which may be prolonging this pregnancy.

So, we are now waiting for the heartbeat to stop...sounds so inhumane that something we have waited so long for is now something we are praying to end.  We are stuck in this horrible position no moving forward, no going back.  It seems like more than a cruel joke, this is unreal and emotionally impossible...