It has been 5 days since hearing that once again this would not be a "viable pregnancy"...I actually thought I was doing okay, maybe more so because I feel like I've just come to expect this feeling. Today we went and saw that the heartbeat was gone...I didn't believe that I was expecting to hear otherwise, but for some reason it hit me harder than I could have imagined. I honestly thought I was doing okay, but to hear those words was crushing.
Before, I can say anything else, I have to thank the nurse Beth who has been meeting with us, talking with us and comforting us every step of this process. Today, she did my ultrasound and when she was finished, she chose her words very carefully. This may seem like an obvious thing, but it's not. After trying so hard, last year when I was in the emergency room and following up with the doctor in Michigan, they all kept saying the same words, it's a spontaneous abortion...abortion is the word that cuts like a knife to a woman that wants a child...(I'm not talking about everyone's opinion about abortion before anyone reads this and has an opinion.) I'm talking about someone who would not be having one being that I'm trying so hard to be pregnant. I know it's a medical term, but for me those words are so hard to hear when discussing a miscarriage. Today, Beth started to use that term and immediately rearranged her words...for that I thanked her because they are words stuck in my head from last year.
We went over our options and decided that emotionally I cannot wait for things to happen naturally and being that she doesn't believe they will, we have decided to have a D and C on Monday. We then will have genetic testing completed in hope of any kind of answers...
I know that I prayed for mercy to have the heartbeat stop and I thought I'd be okay...I have to say, it's harder than I thought and not sure what else to feel. I know that in time, I will feel better and we all will. For now, the hardest thing is moving forward...every night before bed, Blaine prays and I love it! He blesses so many people and the list continues to grow! We told him early that he was going to be a big brother, because we felt it was really happening this time and because he has begun asking about being a big brother. When we found out the heart rate was low, Blaine and I prayed for the baby's heart to get strong. When we found out Monday that things were not progressing, I thought that was hard, but then Blaine prayed for the baby's heart again that night and I had to explain that the baby was going to heaven, it was devastating. He asked, "why" and pleaded that he wanted to be a big brother...all I can say to him is that we want that too and continue to hope that is the plan God has for our family because he will make a really great big brother!!
I've had many people tell me they are sorry, but don't know what to say...I just want to let them know, I understand and I know many people have been praying and hoping for us which we appreciate. I know they say talking about it helps, but for me right now it's too hard to talk about and just know I appreciate all the kind thoughts and prayers...we will get through this and be that much stronger because of it!
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