Highest Highs and Lowest Lows

Blaine continues to amaze me every day!  While I worked last weekend, he learned to jump in and swim around the pool using his arm floaties.  He has always had a love for water, never any fear, but we taught him the area in the pool which was safe...now that is gone because he is a regular fish in the pool!!  We couldn't be more proud of how curious he is and all the little adventures he takes us on!

Here are a couple more of my little water lover...

Another school year has ended, which is always bittersweet.  I love my job, but it means I can spend every day enjoying time with Blaine!  It seems like he has already grown so much, we are looking forward to him starting preschool in the fall (even though our great daycare provider, Margie has done so much with him already) with some of his friends and 2 women I know are amazing teachers and caretakers, Margie and Kelly will help him develop a love for learning.  I feel fortunate he has this opportunity and that he can do preschool for 2 years before starting Kinder (Kinder, there is no way I'm going to handle that well...)!  My students gave me a proper send off, complete with Starbucks giftcards to get me through the summer!

Last Monday we went in for the D and C...I struggled to know what the right decision was.  Should we wait for it to happen naturally or go forward with the D and C.  I know that the pregnancy had ended, but I couldn't help but feel guilt over choosing the D and C...not sure why.  Fortunately, the fertility clinic we go to has a surgical center attached, we were able to go to the same place and be around the same people which was comforting.  Of course I was having anxiety with the procedure, especially being put under because I don't like to be put out...it didn't help that when they were trying to insert the I.V. I blew vein after vein...this of course upped my anxiety even with them reassuring me things would be fine!  I was emotional, but not to the extent that I had anticipated until I went in for the procedure...I left Tony and didn't break down until they were ready to put me out, then I had a complete breakdown.  Thankfully, there were 2 people in the room who comforted me and that was the last thing I remembered...I woke up 20 minutes later with Tony by my side...once again no longer pregnant.  The reality of what happened hits me at random moments.  I have some very supportive friends who have gone through the process and they tell me to grieve and take my time.  At first, I was completely numb...then as the days passed, it would hit me at the most random times.  I would just cry, I think I've mastered the silent cry, the one no one hears and I do it when no one sees...The worst was the blown out veins on my arms, seeing those and still seeing them (because they look HORRIBLE) are a constant reminder...We would be 11 weeks today...we were looking forward to this point, we would be leaving the fertility clinic that helped our dream come true and going back to a doctor we have developed a close relationship with...NONE of that is happening!  Instead, we will be going to the doctor June 6th to discuss the results of pathology we had done and hope there are some kind of answers.
For now, we continue to move forward.  The biggest reason for me to have gone through with the D and C was to move on, to not have this consume my summer and to enjoy the amazing little man I have every single day!!  So, we have finally booked our tickets home for the summer and I can't wait to watch him play outside all day, but I know a small part of me will feel incomplete because I had hoped I would be going home pregnant...