Here we are again...

I have thought many times about writing and then I get busy or make excuses...I even thought several times before writing this and decided I would in honor of this month remembering infancy and pregnancy loss!  We tried to do another IUI in August and it was not successful, this time it was frustrating because we spent more money on medication and I had to give myself triple the shots all while trying to juggle doctor appointments along with back to school.  Then, Tony and I started seeing a new fertility doctor last month that came recommended from a friend.  We had hoped sitting down with her would offer information as to why I cannot seem to hold a pregnancy.  We spent 3 hours with this doctor and all she could do was agree that there didn't APPEAR to be a medical reason why.  There was one more test she could do and so we decided why not!  During her exam, she found a lump in my breast...she tried to assure me she wasn't super-alarmed, but enough that she wanted to check it again the following week during my procedure.  Anyone who knows me, knows I have developed anxiety through this process of trying to have another baby.  So, of course I spent 7 days at a high anxiety level because would I be thinking about cancer instead of trying to have a baby??  The following week, we went for a procedure where they biopsy my uterus and inject dye to check for any cysts or tumors.  One of the most painful procedures and all to find out there was nothing there (good news, but no answers).  The lump was still there, so she sent me to have it checked.  I went and had it checked, they found nothing, it is believed to be a build up of hormones from all my medication.  Thank God, didn't realize how nervous I was until hearing this news!  I started going to acupuncture once a week to help us conceive.  It was difficult to relax at first, but it became a nice relief.  On to where we are now...when sitting down to discuss options, I just felt exhausted.  I felt like this lump was a sign that maybe it was time to stop, I'm not sure I ever fully committed to that idea but I really tried.  I went for an ultrasound to check for follicles and we had 2 beautiful follicles on the right side (only the right side is good for us because of the ruptured ectopic).  I couldn't turn away, we had to try again.  Fast forward the 2 week wait...they tell you not to test early, but really!!!  So. the night before my blood test I tested and it was negative, I went in to the blood draw knowing we were not pregnant.  It was a long day of waiting, but they called to tell us we were pregnant, but the numbers were low...the happiness lasted a mere second for me, hearing that my numbers were low made me realize it was happening again.  The nurse tried to reassure me it was a starting point, but I didn't share her hope.  She told me we would start progesterone suppositories that night.  Tony was optimistic as always, but I couldn't share in that excitement!  Tony left town on Thursday, leaving me and Mr. Blaine home for a week.  I was scheduled to go in for a second blood draw on Friday, hoping for numbers to double.  Thursday night  I couldn't wait, so again I tested and this time the home test was positive, which means my numbers were high enough to detect...so I became hopeful that on Friday we would hear great news.  Being that I also couldn't shake the feeling of fatigue and nausea, I thought this is really happening.  The nurse told me it would probably be later in the afternoon because they had a busy day, all the while reassuring me that we had a starting point and all we needed was the numbers to double.  They called earlier than expected, the numbers went up a little but not enough.  The words again, this is not a viable pregnancy!  The worst part being the numbers did rise, meaning we need to check next week for another ectopic pregnancy.  I tried to hold it together being that I am in a room of 21 little kiddos waiting for me, but it did not happen and thank God I teach with some ladies who really step up for me time after time.  Tony is out of cell service so I cannot tell him, thankfully he was able to find cell service and called a couple of hours later.  I was told to take it easy all weekend, hard to do with a toddler and your spouse out of town, but Blaine is an awesome couch companion!  Here we are, waiting for nature to take it's course again, all while I am trying to prepare for my formal observation tomorrow morning...I will return for bloodwork Tuesday morning and we will know more, hoping that things will happen on their own and once again we can heal.  As I type I realize this is the 5th time we are experiencing this loss and it hurts worse now than it did in the beginning.  We are done, or at least we tell ourselves we are for 6 months.  I am not a doctor, but I cannot believe there is no medical reason we have experienced this loss 5 times and pretty much for the same reason.  We are emotionally, physically and financially broke and need time to decide if maybe Blaine was our only miracle meant to be.  My head and heart need time to understand and accept that it is not anything I'm doing wrong.  Unfortunately they are at war right now, the thoughts of not deserving another child, not being a good enough Mom to Blaine, not being a good enough person to others and other thoughts of negativity are what are taking over.  I have a few unbelievable friends who have not given up on the ups and downs of this journey.  They anxiously await every test, blood draw and ultrasound with me, they know when the phone call is coming and prepare to hear any news I share.  I cannot thank those people enough, I know it has been a long journey filled with my endless talking about wanting another baby, the hardships of hearing others being blessed while we wait and my many emotions of what if...there are no words for the friends still praying for our family.  There is a small part of me that believes at some point I will post good pregnancy news, but that light is getting smaller to me and that is why we are stopping for now...5 babies lost is too many for my heart and it needs time to heal!